I don’t like camping, especially when food is already prepared. I need the exhaustion from a bear hunt to make sure I don’t bitch about the hard ground, buzzing mosquitoes, weird sounds.
I hate camping and the only hunting I’ve ever done is in aisle 7 for canned tuna and when it comes to fires, I just turn on the stove.
I’m completely disconnected from everything natural except my bodily functions. I like screened porches, shock absorbers, and head phones, but I know canoe was once Canada and horse the United States. Then came the automobile Cherokee and earth day, but the earth is still 70 per cent water and humans are 65 per cent and apparently, we lose about 5 per cent as we get older, so we better revive ferry boat services, mermaids, canoe commutes and baseball fans walking on water or at least learn how to doggy paddle.
The baseball time machine is speak easy sauce. One word Jackie Robinson somersaults into race relations, indentured servitude, Frederick Douglass, slave ships, bamboo raft survival, rivers and rapids and Iroquois secrets.
That six nation Confederacy of peace and dandy excluded the god damn Iroquois tribes in Oklahoma and Georgia and so I declare the Mississippi and Chatahooche rivers will be included from now on.
This is a baseball canoe trip and Montreal’s Éloi Viau Stadium is a place to start. Amateur baseball Quebec-800 seating capacity and a 400 meter portage to the the St. Laurence River. We drop oars there and paddle towards the Ottawa River and Great Lakes and keep to the shore like Thor what’s his name.
I’m no mountain man, no river man either, not even a boy scout so a medic and a hunter are coming with. We’ll portage the canoe at times, throw it on a freight train if we have to. We’ll adjust our goal of 111 major and minor league stadiums, but when we realize rivers just keep going round and round blood body earth, we won’t think in terms of pilgrimage anymore.
And oh yeh, after we reach each stadium or dingy junk yard with bases, we’ll cave paint the monument into the canoe’s birch sidewall.