21st century utopian beer

June 24, 2024 by Steve Myers 12 Comments

If you put “3,379 at bats” into a google search, the name Duane Kuiper typically pops up as in one home run in 3,379 trips to the plate, the all-time record of homerun deficiency.

Kuiper hit his lone bomb on August 29th, 1977 off Steve Stone at Cleveland Municipal Stadium aka “The Mistake by the lake.” There were 6,236 in attendance, but it looked more like 1,236  because that stadium’s seating capacity was 78,000! If you watch the video below, you might find it fitting that the ball ricocheted back on the field as if to say “don’t get your hopes up Kuiper cuz you ain’t gonna never hit another one.”

Kuiper’s home run happened in the 1st inning. It was one of three bombs hit that inning and in bizarre ironic twist, one of the other homers was hit by Andre Thornton, ironic because it was an inside the park homer by a slugger (253 career homeruns) not know for his speed. I looked on baseball reference to see how many inside the parkers Thornton hit in his career and couldn’t find it. I don’t know if they even keep track of the stat. It used to be a more common occurrence when stadiums were bigger and had stranger dimensions. Too bad because in my opinion an inside the parker is the most exciting play that can happen in a baseball game. I wonder what stadium produces the most? Maybe Fenway with its spacious centerfield?

Anyway, Kuiper was drafted an incredible six times and refused to sign until 1972 when the Giants took a stab at him and he finally signed. He played second base and didn’t make too many errors, but that can be misleading, an indication that he didn’t have much range aka fewer opportunities to make an error.

He did steal 52 bases, but he got thrown out 71 times, not a very good percentage. He played for the Indians from 1974-1981 and they never won more than 81 games in a season and then it was onto the Giants from 1982 to 1985 and they had one winning season, in 1982 so not a lot of winning for Kuiper and not a lot of offense, but Kuiper enjoyed a 12-year career and played in over 1057 games so he musta been doing something right.

His lone homerun must be a metaphor for something, maybe serving as a reminder that anything is possible, from day to day, minute to minute that things can just suddenly change, a person who never reads can pick up a book and start to read and continue the habit for the rest of their lives, ditto for cooking pasta and sardines launching a new hobby and maybe, just maybe with thoughts of life on other planets and all the possibilities in that, maybe people would start constructing runways all over the world for the arrival of a spaceship like the mounds made in the movie Close Encounter of the Third Kind and whether it happens or not, it hardly matters. The bringing people together in a joint activity could work wonders like a first supper and beers could be stored in mini fridges at the runway construction sites.

And you’re right, if a spaceship arrived, it’s possible, very possible it would end up in yet another colonization situation with the rich getting richer, but at least the fridges would be filled with beer.