Leonard Cohen wore nice suits. I think he played guitar and wrote the old testament or maybe that was Bob Dylan, but without the suits and with way more hair; crazier hair. I didn’t know about either of them until my twenties. They didn’t teach us Cohen and Zimmerman in Hebrew school
I once had sex with a tree. True story. It was during a heavy Milwaukee thunderstorm. I love Midwest summer storms; arouses some latent Pan gene in my blood stream. There’s a rock and roll lyric. “Pan gene in my blood stream.” Does my own lyric require quotes? Beam me up a stuffy professor of the language police. Thank you Scotty. I like your twang.
Love of storms began as fear to me. I would race all my baseball cards into the basement; safe and sound it grew into the reverse of fear as the years went bye-bye. I guess reverse of fear would be screwing a tree or at least for me it is or was. I’ll skip the details, but it was enjoyable. I hope no one got pregnant.
I learned to love beer, any kind of beer….inevitable i guess, being from Milwaukee. cliche, stupid, immature, childish, run through the jungle. Yes, that’s exactly it because the Midwest had no alligators or jungle but a hell of a lot of green; so much canopy cover hovering above suburban Milwaukee. I love that protection.
The West coast terrifies me with its scorpions and red granite rocks and open spaces; so exposed and naked. I need the green and snow in the winter. It’s all a big blanket to me so I can suck my thumb from the crib to the gurney.
I remember landing in California for the first time. It was to visit my brother. in Oakland. He left Milwaukee after high school and never returned. His loss or gain. Whatever. The scenario rolled out perfectly like an equation to me. My love of beer plus peeing in my pants equals experimentation.
California had more open spaces and less green you see so there were fewer places to hop off the stage and slip behind the curtain and take a pee. Milwaukee has parks and all kind of bushes to disappear into like a phone booth and do the superman pee release. I ruined many 8 dollar jeans from Salvation Army and well, I carried the small of piss around with me. bad situation needing a remedy.
Maybe California is more civilized than Milwaukee, but I doubt it. Those gold rush boys were a rowdy bunch of swillers, swindlers and scrappers and there was probably a few peduncle heads like me who pissed in their pants. God love em. Maybe Milwaukee loves drunks more than California. Maybe that’s it. Maybe California has a short-term memory. Anyway, what the hell do I know! I blab my mouth off but trust my own theories more than some stuffy text book recording.
Ok so there i was in Oakland….beside lake Merritt or up along Telegraph Avenue, shooting pool in Jack London or playing basketball in west Oakland. The experts told me West Oakland was no place for a dumb white boy like me; worst neighborhood in America and then in a whisper, they added…”it’s all black.” I’m no hero and no urban kid and not enlightened. I have all kinds of ignorant attitudes. I grew up in the suburbs, but I love basketball.
Anywhere I went in Oakland, there was no safe place to piss except inside a Safeway Grocery Store bathroom or in a bar, but I hardly ever go to bars preferring the 40 ouncer by the railroad tracks and day dreams of being a hobo.
I only hopped a train one time in my life; from Montreal’s West Island to Montreal’s Mile End; total travel time-15 minutes; total distance-5 miles…but whatever ..I had achieved what Bukowski insisted on the back of my Train hoppers manual …”every red-blooded american has to hop a train and head nowhere at least once in their life.”
Meanwhile, back in California, I still had to pee so I pretended to be doing tai chi in the park; blending in with th enlightened vegetarian Californicators. It was the Piedmont neighborhood Oakland; upscale and clean, proper people on the surface. I love every neighborhood. Every place is a scene unto itself and Piedmont was perfect for tai chi
I didn’t remove my pants; just unzipped and let out a subtle pee while doing tai chi and hence, the birth of and this is deserving of big letters….Tai Chi Pee.
Desperate measures desperate times. The Brewers have lost 6 in a row and their lead in the NL Central. The Cardinals are now in first place and the red turds arrive to Milwaukee town Thursday. This is like Rosh Hoshanah clockwork every year. Gotta love it!
The Brewers are 73-64.